Relight the Fire Podcast

Full Episode Transcript 

Heather Mills:
Welcome to Relight the Fire. I'm Heather Mills and I teach you how to create more joy, meaning and fulfillment without leaving your job or blowing up your life.

The exhaustion, overwhelm and disconnection that happens with burnout is 100% solvable, and you can do it too. Listen on to find out how to relight the fire within you.

Hi, Natalie. Thank you for being here today. I'm so excited to have this conversation with you.

Natalie Jordy
Yes, me too. Thank you so much for inviting me.

Heather Mills
So I would love it if you would introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about yourself and how you got to where you are now.

Natalie Jordy
Sure. So, I, my name is Natalie and I have been a registered nurse for 25 years, mostly in critical care, and emergency and trauma. And over that period of time, within the first three years, I was burnout. And I just couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was. Now I see it was burnout. So I struggled with that for years.

And I realized that one day that I was just, I was really tired of being tired, you know, and, and I saw the the burnout among the other nurses and I, I just had a passionate to help not only myself, but them as well. And so I went on a journey and have since started my own business to help nurses heal and, and help them with their own burnout is I have, I have figured out how to heal and transform my life to step out of that place.

Heather Mills
I love it. Yes. So Natalie, you've been such an inspiration to me truly, as I've watched you in your journey. And we both use similar tools to end burnout overcome burnout. And we've used them on ourselves. And now we both are helping our clients, you with nurses, helping our clients and burnout as well. So I would love to hear more about your story. And like what you experienced when you were like you said, you didn't necessarily call it burnout then right, but when looking back, you can see it was burnout. What were some of the symptoms you are experiencing?

Natalie Jordy
Yes, definitely. I couldn't, I couldn't pinpoint what it was. And I just knew that I needed my job, I knew that I needed my job not only for monetary, because I became a nurse at 21. But I needed it for my validation. And so it was like this spiral pattern at the time where I would pick up as many shifts as I could, regardless of how tired I was. And so within the third year ago, that I started noticing that I started having compassion fatigue. And, and I would always say, if only you knew me, before I became a nurse, I was so sweet. And I had so much patience. So I found myself snapping at the patients and snapping at the people around me. And just a true like, I felt like I had no control over my lack of, of my inability to hold space or hear anyone out or you know, an imperfection. Imperfection met me at any angle. It was like I had a meltdown. And so I started noticing that pretty early on. Yeah, and that

Heather Mills
compassion fatigue is almost like, like you can't feel empathy anymore. Or I've heard people describe it just like you just feel numb.

Natalie Jordy
Yes. So the the numbness really, I guess that's where the numbness really began is because whenever I was taking care of patients initially, it was like, my whole heart was there, my whole heart, I could step into their shoes, I could just love on them and sit with them and talk with them. And it got to the point where I didn't want my patients to talk to me at all. I didn't want In fact, I would ask for the patients that were on life support so that I didn't have to conversate with them. And I was numb I was numb to the feelings of the families that were in pain. I was numb to the patients I took really good care of them still. I just didn't have the capacity. Yeah, you know, and so it's that was the beginning of of me completely numbing to everything.

Heather Mills
And I felt this too, when I was in the midst of my burnout where you just like you're going through the motions of life like a robot or a zombie, but you're really disconnected from everything around you. Does that mean experience so

Natalie Jordy
totally. I mean, it would and it got to the point where I can only be around And the others who were disconnected like me. So my core group was the nurses that I worked with. And it was such a small group that I ended up isolating myself from family and friends. And everyone my whole life was in the job. And that was all that I knew. And that's how I survived because no one understood except the others who were also, like, flipping their emotion switch, so to say.

Heather Mills
Yeah. So you were experiencing this compassion, fatigue and this numbness? How did that impact you in your life outside of work?

Natalie Jordy
So, you know, it's funny, because I, at that point, what we were taught to do as nurses, was, you don't cry at work, right, you don't show any emotion. And so we would have back to back deaths and codes and, you know, we would see these these cases come in, and especially in that emergency room, just horrific, tragic. And so I would push it down and push it down. And, and I would put on my mask every time I showed up to work, right. And I immediately at that point, time, masks were only only for certain patients. So yeah, back then, figuratively.

And when I got out of work, it was like I stepped out of that, that safe bubble where I could show up numb. And all the, everything I had been stepping down would come out. And I wouldn't know what to do, I felt so out of control in my, in my personal life that I just continued to, to work and work because that's all I knew I couldn't be by myself, at home without being miserable. I did a lot of working out around that time, because I just couldn't sitting and arresting or going on vacation or anything where there was downtime was it was intolerable. For me. It was like I had to busy the mind and busy the body, in order to not sit with everything I had shoved down.

Now I can see it from that point of view that back then what I could say was that I was just absolutely miserable. And, and I just felt the need that I had to be busy, like I had to fill my calendar with activities. Well,

Heather Mills
I think a lot of people can relate to that feeling of like, if you're sitting still. It's like, you just have to hop up and do something like you can't give yourself even a moment to breathe or II with yourself. Because the thoughts that come on to intolerable. Exactly, well, the emotions that come are too intolerable,

Natalie Jordy
And not knowing what to do with those having learned that, you know, you just you know, you know, cry, and even as raised in that environment, you know, like, shut it down. This is uncomfortable for the families. So you know, don't share that. And so it was just reinforced in the profession. And when they were so full from the trauma that I was seeing, and dealing with it work. It just started over spilling out into everywhere in my life, and I didn't know what to do with it. So I did a lot of bar hopping, and partying in my 20s and just a lot of activity and just never felt fulfilled. I spent as much time as I could at work, because that was my safe place where other people got me, you know,

Heather Mills
Where you could stay busy and be known and you didn't have to connect at an emotional level necessarily.

Natalie Jordy
Exactly. Yeah.

Heather Mills
So now that you're on the other side of burnout, what how do you define burnout? What do you see? It's this like cultural phenomenon that everyone's talking about right now. What do you see it as?

Natalie Jordy
That is a very good question. And truly what I see burnout is is is is nothing external. This is the really big thing for me is that there's so many external labels for burnout, right? Like for instance in my field would be short staffing and the clientele that we see are super challenging and then the head heaviness of the work.

But at the end of the day, that is not what causes burnout, what causes burnout is a person's inability to properly regulate and feel their emotions and process. Life, it's an it's a nervous system turned upside down, because a person can't process life faster than life is coming at them. And so in that instance, they do what they've always done, which is, you know, pull their bootstraps up and grind even more into the very environment that has placed them in that burnout from the beginning. And it's just a vicious spiral.

Heather Mills
Absolutely, where we keep looking for changes to our external environment to fix things that are going on on the inside. There's always these external stressors, like there's always going to be too much work and challenging patients, clients, people, situations, tragedy, right. And you can't control any of that. The only thing that we do have some control over and can take our power back. The way we can take our back power back is by going inside. You and I agree on that so much. Yeah, yes. And

Natalie Jordy
that's the scariest thing ever, right? I mean, I always said like, put me in a, in a mass casualty put me in the middle of lives, who are their hearts about the stop, and I'm perfectly comfortable. And if you would have asked me to ask me how I was feeling, I would have run so fast for me because it was scary. It's it's an intimacy that I had never known before. And so people are very scared of what's inside of them. It's it's truly the unknown where and I'm so glad you said control. Because high achievers, which I feel like, are a lot of who we both have worked around. And we ourselves have to have the aspect of control. And inside of us, when you initially start this journey of looking inward versus your external, it's a place where you truly feel you have no control, because no one's ever taught you how to. So true.

Heather Mills
We don't learn any of these things in school, how to regulate our emotions, how to regulate our nervous systems, how to connect with ourselves, internally inside? And, you know, intellectually, it seems, it seems so abstract, right? Like, how do you connect with yourself? How do you go inside? These aren't the kinds of questions you find answers to in textbooks in the schools that we've gone to for so long. That actly Yeah, and so there's so much uncertainty and and you're right, it's just like scary, people are afraid of what they're going to find. And I think that's one of the reasons that the way I think about burnout is that it is it's both an internal challenge, but and an external challenge, because it's like societies and cultural cultural demands upon us. And the way we respond to that, and what I really have come to see is that burnout is a disconnection from our true selves.

Natalie Jordy
Yes, I love that. That's exactly it.

Heather Mills
Yeah. And there's so many reasons we become disconnected from our true selves. But one of the things that I see, especially for women is this contradiction of cultural values. There's this idea that we must achieve our you know, there's, it's like personal achievement culture, we must be successful and keep achieving. And then there's also this opposite cultural belief that we really need to take care of other people. Whether that's our kids, our spouses, serving other people in need, and there it's a paradox that cannot complete all

Natalie Jordy
Right, and so upon our plate as women we have this great you know, you're gonna have kids, you're gonna have this family you need to take care of your family. And by the way, you need to also be a rising star in your career, you know, in these both fields and so it's it's, it's like a tug of war constantly

Heather Mills
constant tug of war. Yeah. And what I see is that it's not like somebody's like, it's not like some man is saying to you, "you must be successful in your work and you must take care of your kids." It's like we've internalized all of this and we are telling ourselves this story.

Natalie Jordy
You're so right about that. It you know, exactly. It's not like we are told that but but there is a cultural upbringing that I think most of us that programming that we have for so long, where I think most high achievers, they know that, that they're out to be something more. And so they still want to meet that desire, while also meeting the desire to have a family and being the high achievers that we are we want to do them both in a manner that is like beyond excellent. Right?

Heather Mills
Yes. And we tell ourselves that if we just achieve enough personally, and we do enough for other people in our personal lives, if we're just really really good at both of them, then we'll achieve this happiness, this sense of calm, whatever it is that we're looking for, we're going to get it by doing both, you know, trying to win that game, which is unwinnable. It's totally

Natalie Jordy
unwinnable. It's like, the word balance in life, which I just I can't stand whenever I hear that people talk about balance in that manner. It's completely unachievable. And we strive for that to our deaths. I mean, some of us literally in and it's catching that thought that just went you know, it's just, it's, it's something that it's a no one, it's no wonder why the word fulfillment is is not used by so many people. I mean, truly, I can tell you that that was definitely a word that I had no relation to. In my career, I can tell you that when you know, in order to fulfill that career achievement, it was one certification and degree after another, right? Yes, absolutely. And so all of my worth was, was held in that my worth was held in my performance there. And then when I became a mom, my worth was held in well, how good is my kid doing? Well, How well am I doing compared to the other in my organic? Did I make them homemade baby food? Like? Because you know, I did?

Heather Mills
You're going to achieve in that realm as well. I can say the same for myself. Yes. Yeah. Because we've internalized that we have to win at both of these games. And, and then when we, because we're telling ourselves as if we for not achieving in both realms, then there's this self criticism and self blame and a feeling of being trapped and confused. Like, if if not this then what? What's

Natalie Jordy
right, right. And what's you know, if this is what life is, then do I really, is this as good as it gets?

Heather Mills
Is this as good as it gets? I can't tell you how many times I asked myself that question. Yes,

Natalie Jordy
over and over, and half as well. Striving, if only Okay, the next thing, right, the next thing like, I'm sure that this move to this, for me was like a level one trauma center. Like, you know, I found that the hardest hospital with the sickest patients. And I was like, This is it. I'm gonna find my filament, my purpose, my happiness. And then you get there and you're like, Well, where is it? Where

Heather Mills
where is it? Called me this lie? Yeah. Yes. But then you blame yourself, right? There must be something wrong with me. Right? Because I should be happy. I should feel better. I shouldn't feel exhausted and overwhelmed and like a zombie all the time. Right. Yeah. So I think this brings us to some of those beliefs like, what do you think some of the cultural beliefs are that led us to this? This paradox that can't be that we can't, we can't solve?

Natalie Jordy
I think definitely one of them is like

Heather Mills
your worth is equal to achievement and productivity. Absolutely. Wildly worthy if I'm producing enough whatever it is, I'm working enough creating enough Yes,

Natalie Jordy
helping enough. I definitely lived from that place for so long. And then if whatever enough is wasn't accomplish then it's an immediate, um, a failure. You know, I, that all the inner critic comes in, and it just, I mean, no one could ever talk to me as horribly as I used to talk to myself, right? Yeah.

Heather Mills
Because we never, we can just keep moving the goalposts but have enough, right?

Natalie Jordy
It's not a real thing. Not stationary by any means. Yeah.

Heather Mills
Yeah. So there's that productivity and the achievement, I'm, I'll only be good enough if I have achieved a certain level of treating trauma patients or certifications, or yeah, that external validation that we're always seeking. Exactly. And then, on the flip side, what are some of the beliefs related to you know, taking care of others and helping others that you see come into this burnout equation?

Natalie Jordy
So I definitely see that. So perfectionism, like, which is centered around, I'm not worthy. I'm not good enough, right is a huge aspect of that. And what I see most in, in my field, is this. This need to rescue. So, you know, I'm not, I have to be the last. And that's just it's so deeply ingrained, that it's actually very hard for someone to see that in their life, it has to be pulled out of them. Because it's like, everyone else is doing this, aren't they? I mean, of course, I'm last on the list. Yes. Like, that's just how everyone else is living. It's, it's really to that point, that self care, the word is thrown around all the time. And yet, I don't think people actually understand the meaning behind it. Because what self care is to them is I get groceries for my kid. My, you know, I'm taking care of my family. I mean, sure, I'm gonna get my toes done before the Christmas party once a year. And that's myself care.

Heather Mills
Yeah. And it really is putting yourself at the bottom of the list still. And that's that belief that I have to sacrifice myself for others.

Natalie Jordy
Yes. There you go. That is it. Yeah.

Heather Mills
I can relate to that so much. So what do you I mean, what do you think self care? Real Self Care? Looks like? I mean, I know we could talk about that forever. But just some of your thoughts on that?

Natalie Jordy
Definitely. So I think real self care is taking the time to give yourself which I feel like it's synonymous with like self compassion. Giving yourself grace, especially for those who are like me, it was such a huge concept, giving yourself grace and space in order to connect with yourself. So what what does that look like actually, taking a nap was a very foreign concept for for me. Because I always said, I'll sleep I'm going to sleep when I'm dead. That was Yeah. And, and taking a nap strictly because my body was telling me to was just out of the question. So that self compassion and self care is, is doing something that's truly just for you, that fills you up that makes you happy, which most people when I ask, I'll tell you how they're, they have no idea. They have usually that is attached to doing something for someone or other people. And so that's the first point of self care is finding out more about you. You have to get to know yourself. What do you like? I don't know.

Heather Mills
What do you need? Yeah. What do you need? Yeah. What does allow you to feel connected to yourself? Exactly. We've spent so much time not listening to ourselves disconnecting and saying that other people's needs voices are more important. It's like, implicitly, we've been telling ourselves a message the whole time, that we don't matter, that earth that our health doesn't matter. Our opinions don't matter. Our voice doesn't matter. And

Natalie Jordy
that sounds like

Heather Mills
it sounds very harsh. Like we would never actually do that or say that to anybody else. But that is what we're doing to ourselves.

Natalie Jordy
Yeah, that's exactly what we're doing. And then we wonder why we have no trust in our ourselves. And so when something comes up in life or like, oh, what would you do? Or we call someone else? Well, what would you do? And then, you know, whenever it comes down to the wire, we are looking at everyone else in that comparison, in that give me your opinion, because I don't know how to find what's right for me. And what's my truth? Because I don't trust myself. Yeah, it's not said that way. You know, I would never would have even identified with that. But I would say that, yeah, I lean on everyone else. Right to get their opinion. What do they trust my own? Yeah. Is there an expert who can tell me what to do here? Yes, exactly. Let me watch enough documentaries and read do enough research so that I can come up with someone else's solution to my problem.

Heather Mills
Yes, exactly. Yeah. So that self care that kind of leads us into like, what, what does it look like for you on the other side of burnout.

Natalie Jordy
On the other side of burnout, I can tell you that first and foremost, my body feels incredible. Amazing, I never knew just how much stress and like the continuous cortisol release, I was holding. And from all that inflammation and the pain I used to be in, in severe pain at all times, I wouldn't say it was severe, because I was used to it at that point, from the lack of sleep and the pushing, but on this side of burnout, I don't scream and yell at people anymore. I can actually sit I meditate, like I, I sit, and with my own thoughts and my own visions, and I can pray and I can do all these things without feeling like my skin is going to come off. I was just say that it feels like peeling your skin off when I used to sit like that, right?

Heather Mills
Is so many people I know. So they can't do meditation, it's it's just far too uncomfortable to sit. And in my

Natalie Jordy
mind, it was so busy in the My mind is quiet, and the peace and the calm. And I can actually think and hear my thoughts. It's like I always used to say it felt like there was like World War Two going on under the surface of me and I they flew the white flag. And on the other side of burnout, it's It's easy in flow. For sure.

Heather Mills
And so amazing. can't underestimate that feeling of ease in your life, when you're so used to everything feeling hard, stressful, overwhelming, exhausting,

Natalie Jordy
high anxiety at all times. You're on the edge, truly on edge at all times. And you know, I've connected with myself in my body and like, who I am actually doing things that that make me happy and I can feel joy in a sustainable way for the first time ever. I didn't even know what that felt like, wow. You know,

Heather Mills
say more about what you mean about joy in a sustainable way. What does that mean?

Natalie Jordy
So I was told at one point, I didn't believe it whenever I was, I was going through my own healing journey that I was told that your capacity for pain is also your capacity for happiness and joy. And at that point in time, I was at the if this is as good as it gets. I don't even know if I want it. Phase, right? Like this is I'm capped out here. And the only time I can tell you, I had this like a joy, like a true joy that you feel that inside of you like on the deepest level was the day that my son was born and I held him. That was the only point in my life I can tell you that was that kind of joy. And it was very shortly snuffed out. When we went out of the hospital. It didn't last very long. And on this side, now that I have healed and healed that pain, so and so there was so deep on so many levels. Sustainable Joy means that I actually can have joy. I can hold joy. While life is hard. You know I can have I can have life come at me and happen and I still hold peace and joy no matter what No matter what, no matter what chaos is around, I still hold that peace and joy at all times.

Heather Mills
Wow, that's amazing. It

Natalie Jordy
is it really is. I, I always thought it was like, just people were off. The rockers who talked about this sort of thing is like they don't live a real life. Obviously. They don't have a career. They miss live in the sticks, like, sing Kumbaya? I don't know. But it's real. Yeah, it's real. It's the real deal. Yeah, there

Heather Mills
can be chaos around you. external things happening that are crazy. And internally, you can still hold on to possibly joy, but definitely at least some kind of peace, calmness. Yeah, connectedness to yourself.

Natalie Jordy
Yes. And that is the true foundation of being grounded in control. When you know that you can control your internal environment environment, because you know that you can now process your emotions, you know that you have clarity and trust yourself and your own thoughts and decisions. I mean, that's, that is what control is, I don't think anyone really knows what control is until they can actually figure out how to regulate their own nervous system. Hmm, yeah.

Heather Mills
So what were some of the types of things that you tried to solve this burnout problem equation.

So I, I got an I called it the itch every couple of years, where I needed to move specialties or into something harder. So I went from an ICU to an emergency room. And then I went to a level one trauma center in the hardest, you know, in with the sickest patients. And then I moved across country, so I was a pickup and move gypsy category. If I, if I started feeling like, it was monotonous, or I started really feeling, you know, trapped comes up a lot. When I think of burnout, that trapped feeling. And so anytime that started to come over me, I would just pick up a move and, or go for another certification, or look into another degree, too. And it was kind of like pushing that, that post that goal, right. And then I attempted vacations. They were very unsuccessful. I did a lot of working out, which probably kept me from absolute rage. At the end of the day, they just didn't work though.

Natalie, this conversation has been amazing. Thank you so much. I would love to hear what kind of advice you have for people who are in the thick of it like we were and maybe asking, maybe feeling overwhelmed or exhausted or asking those questions. Is this as good as it gets? What would you say to them?

Natalie Jordy
Definitely. Thank you for it's been a pleasure being here. And I would love for them to know that. First of all, they're not alone. And if I could tell them anything, I would say Get to know yourself. It is scary. It is scary. Yes, it's scary. Start to sit with yourself. And you don't even have to name the emotion but just sit it How does it feel in your body? Start to connect with yourself on on that level and start getting to know yourself in a way of what do you like to do? Start exploring that. Get curious. above anything else. Try some things out. You know, I, I knew someone who I was just talking to the other day and she was like, I think I'm going to try salsa. I said, give it a try. And what's the worst that can happen? Are you talking about like salsa dancing? Yeah. Oh, yeah, great. I love it No, or yoga, or do something that helps you connect with your body and start to get to know yourself and what you like outside of what the expectation of view is? Yeah, both from an external and internal point of view. Allow the lie yourself, give yourself permission to let that go. If think out of the box,

Heather Mills
yes, thinking out of the box is where we have to get to so we're not constantly faced with that contradiction, that that paradox that we just can't solve. So rising above that, and finding our own rules, our own answers. Yeah, thank you so much, Natalie. So it's been amazing. And if people want to connect with you, where can they find yThey can find me on Facebook. I have a group where I help support nurses and first responders called true alignment Academy. And also you can find me and Natalie Jordy on Facebook and LinkedIn and Instagram as well.

Wonderful. Thank you so much, Natalie. It's been wonderful.

Natalie Jordy
Thanks, Heather.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

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